Everything is Gay…

Everything is gay, queer, lesbian, suspect, or questionable it seems. Everyday I incur someone who is questioning someone’s sexuality based on pale actions. The comments and bias are even worse within the black community. I will first get into some examples, and then I will talk about why this type of bias is so prevalent within the black community. I will also offer a solution or spark of future conversations on this issue. It shocks me to believe how many people question other people’s sexuality based on characteristics, actions, or even the way they dress. I had wore thong sandals once, and was told that was gay, and I should not wear them if I were a “real” man. I’ve seen people question people’s sexuality based on how they talk or text, which is really absurd.

 

The black community is homophobic for a variety of reasons I believe. For one, during slavery times, men were the protectors of the family and women nurtured the children. These were traditional gender roles within the black community which have lived up today despite the high rates of single-parent homes. People (whether gay or straight) have become afraid to be themselves in fear of being socially ridiculed if they do not prescribe to these traditional roles. Men confront other men when they exhibit any type of “weak” trait, and women ostracize other women when they show any “strong” characteristics. But let’s be clear, men do this to women, and women do it to men. For instance, a man would call a woman who is in an authoritative position a dyke or bitch. Another example would be if a woman does not give it up, or cuts her hair short, the same type of vulgar language and mentality is given. Likewise, women are quick to question a man’s masculinity by what he wears, if he’s emotionally concerned or quick to get hurt, or even, get ready…his vast intellectualism. Intellectualism and love are the two things within the black community folks want so much, but are seldom willing to have or keep it. For instance, a woman who wants to be in love with a guy who is sensitive and driven but dumps him for a bad boy who is constantly flexing his masculinity. Another example would be a guy who wants a caring and independent woman, but is quick to cheat and dump her for not being the one fully in control of their relationship. A woman may feel trumped by a man’s intellect; therefore she will belittle his masculinity in hopes of having equal footing. This is one of the reasons why a lot of my peers are single, and will be for a long time if they don’t change. This is where people shoot themselves in the foot, or heart rather. They have a good thing, and are afraid to make the inner changes within themselves to make it last. I always felt in a relationship you could not change that person, but that person has the choice to cognitively recognize their problem or bad habits and fix it. Otherwise, do not be mad if the progressive person in your relationship leaves you. Not being diverse and inclusive of others is similar to this dynamic personally, professionally, and globally.

 

My resolution to this is simple and unique. Diversity and acceptance is nothing to be afraid of, rather it should be used as an attribute. In my job, if I were not a progressive mind, I would not be there. I would still be unemployed due to my own ignorance, and denial of working with diverse communities of people. Worrying about people’s sexual identities should be the least of people’s concerns, especially when most people have their inner conflicts to deal with. Who are you to judge if you are not a perfect being? A friend of mine said it best, “If you just mind your own damn business, you’d have a better life.” I like to live by that, there is no need to always call people out on things, leave them be. Stop taking meaningless characteristics, and applying them to people’s sexual identity. It will hurt you in the short and long run.

Seeking Employment: My Story

A month ago I was like most young Americans who finish their education, seeking entry into the competitive and strained job market. You face some hurdles and obstacles as it is, but when focusing in on a geographical location such as Chicago, it can be strenuous. More so, depending on your circumstances, it can be mentally harmful to face the application process. You can become discouraged with looming and immediate debts such as credit cards, student loans, cell phones, bills, rent, supporting your kid(s), etc. It works at your identity (as a man or woman); Will I be a failure in society? College makes people have a “Magical Realism” mentality. Magical Realism refers to when people believe things come to them easily, and without much effort or result. People feel a sense of entitlement after they graduate, they feel they are owed a job. Many people lack preparation. I thank God that he put tools and people in my life to humble and prepare me early in my collegiate career.

 

Throughout college, you must network (faculty & professional mentors, professional memberships, conferences, internships, externships, research) and improve your skill set (communication, writing abilities, multi-taking, business etiquette, etc). Waiting to do this at the end of college will leave you on the short end of the stick. I did so early on by being active in RSO’s, became a McNair Scholar, went to conferences, constantly networked, seeked out mentors, had multiple internships, etc. These are attributes many people look over, people’s egos and their inner pride has led them inevitable, jobless and emotionally distraught. We cannot just dismiss the economy, but we have to do our best in terms of being a marketable employee. I tried to offer advice to a friend of mine once, but he insisted to not heed my words because he refused to listen to a peer. Several months later, he wanted my help to seek employment. The simple resistance to not listen to someone who is trying to help you is why many emperors of ancient civilizations perished before their time, pride kills. Humility is not experienced based, rather, it should be lifestyle based (an everyday occurrence). There is no need to boast about your opportunities or advancements, rather you should be helping those who want to be helped without an audience knowing so.  You are no one in the real world…no homecoming queen, not the “man” on campus, you are just like everyone else. Some folks don’t want to make that connection, even if it is in front of them.

 

This post was not intended to be negative, just if you show those bad characteristics I spoke of, please stop. I began to realize that my spiritual and physical health was suffering as a consequence of my rejections, and no-calls. I even questioned my masculinity, Am I man? I found myself lost by basing my masculinity on my human capital, and if it weren’t for God and my support systems, I would have had a breakdown of epic proportions. You must never let what happened to me, happen to you. I stopped praying for myself to get a job, instead, I prayed for my friends and family to receive opportunities. I kept applying, and driving from Carbondale to Chicago for interviews when I barely had any money.  I began humbling myself from social networks, parties, etc. and read more books.  You still need an emotional release, but just not indulge in it. Never be too comfortable being comfortable, and never be too comfortable being stressed. I mentored in the Carbondale community, and helped my mentees in any way I could.  I figured, I’m loved, blessed, and highly favored. I let the pressure go, I became at “peace” with not having immediate success. My summer employment included a low hour student job, and giving art lessons to my professor’s children. I don’t mind talking about it, because I hope to help you and have no shame, and ego will not get in the way of me doing that. You have to remember how blessed and privileged you are. You have to have the determination to not quit the grind, and build yourself up. When you humble yourself, stay determined, and help yourself and others, the journey will be just as enjoyable as the destination.

 

Springfield, Mass.

 

Black Men & Being Faithful…

Black men being faithful. Why is this even a blog post? Why this topic in particular? When we look at the rates of African-American couples getting married, there has been a steady decline for some time. On September 1^st of this year, Scholar and Stanford Law Professor Ralph Richard Banks is releasing his book, “Is Marriage for White People? How the Decline of African-American Marriages Affects Everyone.” This book essentially encourages middle class black women to date outside their race, instead of men who are under them (black men of low socio-economic status). Do you see the problem here? Instead of rehabilitating black men to increase their human capital and well-being, we have found ways to avoid and run from the problems at hand. When over 12% of black men are incarcerated in a 37 billion dollar prison industry, we have work to do. When black men are generalized and stereotyped into being over sexed, financially incompetent, and thrive off mediated masculine images of “success” due to the lack of male mentors, we have work to do. Black communities suffer from the social, environmental, and personal injustices that face them.

The issue of black men being faithful is not just consummated on social problems. There is plenty of personal guilt involved. The biggest naysayers are insecurities and the resistance to be “vulnerable” in their relationships. I’ve observed many black men who become insecure of their relationships based on what their peers may think, or to not fully expose their emotional content. Instead, ego and arrogance takes over as a means of control, and to not expose their emotions. It equates to the degradation of women, and indulgence of the very generalizations that face them: sex, drugs, and alcohol. The very vices many black men use to cover up the deficiencies that exist within themselves. When you see black men always talking about sex, alcohol, drugs, or expedited money, there is an undertone of loneliness and lack of human capital. For instance, black men who leave their families and don’t want to be fathers. When I see social networks such as Twitter, I notice the very things I just explained. The problematic situation comes when black women have given up hope in a “good man.” Therefore, the explicit diction men use, some women have come to accept it. But what bothers me most is when my black women followers quote relationship or marriage items of positive nature on Twitter, some of my black male followers will quickly follow to degrade their comments. As if to say, “You will never have love you slut.”

What black men and women must do is to not play into the negative stereotypes that face them, even at the cost of losing so-called, “friends.” Not socially conforming to negative behaviors is huge. Black men must put aside pride, ego, and become vulnerable to love. Women must do this as well when they get a good man. You cannot let your past dictate your future. Black men especially must take the risk emotionally to be hurt or loved in order for it to be genuine. Being with one person in a monogamous relationship takes time, hard work, perseverance, dedication, and love. In the immediate and long run, you will exhibit the benefits of a relationship. Success is not easy in any venture, and relationships are no different. I simply ask black men and women to stand up and have open conversations on this issue. This is an important step in revitalizing the black community and the state of black families.

Album artwork for Kanye West's & Jay-Z's upcoming album "Watch the Throne"

Instead of Jordans…buy some of these…

Two years ago I saw an AT&T commercial featuring this guy who had a great idea. He delivered simple, comfortable, stylish, and exceptionally made shoes to impoverished children in different parts of the world. His name is Blake Mycoskie.

Many of these children grow up barefoot and can develop soil-transmitted diseases such as Podoconiosis(a debilitating and disfiguring disease), which is reported to affect millions of children across the world. He opened TOMS Shoes with the, “One for One” shoe campaign. For every pair of TOMS purchased, a pair of these shoes will go to a child who needs them. This in my eyes, is a noble public health and humanitarian initiative. The shoes are based on an Argentinean farmer style. The shoes are made in Argentina, Ethiopia, and China. Blake Mycoskie took the initiative in making sure the work conditions and wages are fair and safe for the workers. Can Michael Jordan say this of his shoes? I think not. Buy a pair of TOMS today, you are doing more than you think. Furthermore, you are looking pretty stylish doing so.

 

TOMS for Women & Men

 

Cheating as a Public Health Issue…

Cheating has become a socially accepted behavior despite sexuality, race, gender, and/or ethnicity. When we look at the high contraction rates of STDs/STIs, it is often linked from another partner that may have had a physical relationship with someone else. Infections such as Gonorrhea and Chlamydia often go undetected without any physical symptoms, at least according to medical studies. These bacterial infections can cause infertility if left untreated. There is of course the chance of contracting HIV, herpes, and genital warts. There are more than just the physical ailments that make cheating a public health issue; there are mental health repercussions as well. People’s psychic and thought’s of what they had in their relationships is misconstrued. It creates a sense of vulnerability, insecurity, low self-esteem, and in all actuality, will make that person more prone to cheat or hurt themselves (physically/emotionally). Most people, in most instances, if not always, need to feel a sense of belonging; this is where you will see a person stay with someone who cheated on them. The emotional and mental health of people is equally important as their physical dwelling due to their reciprocal nature.  We have to change the acceptance socially of cheating to curve the epidemic state of this issue. Staying with someone who has cheated on you will only hurt you more mentally and physically in the future. Take a stand for yourself, and overall health.

 

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

–   Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

 

 

 

Being Unconventional in a Conventional World: My Perspective

Some would call me a good man or someone who is striving for success in many instances. I am a quiet, humble, caring personality. I am a man struggling. I am struggling to put aside pride, being egotistical, pompous, and emotionally vulnerable everyday. It is a difficult task to be an embodiment of positivity, especially when you are a person who is still trying to overcome the deficiencies that exist within yourself. It is easy to prescribe to cheating, selfish, being mean-spirited, stumping your intellectual growth to please others, and a bevy of other regressive acts. Choosing to be unconventional will make you lonely. It leaves you out of conversations with other men who demoralize women, and makes you look like a Martian to women who are so used to men with these mentalities. There is no social currency in being unconventional in nature, rather, you are the epitome of what women dream of, but are not considered to be real even in the realistic realm in which we live. You are an ideal that cannot exist in many women’s minds. To other men, you are a threat of some sort. Therefore, other men will tear down your masculinity for you not prescribing to objectify women. This is a two-headed dragon. Women often times give in to these objectified behaviors instead of standing up to them, many allow it. I constantly see people partake in this behavior socially, and it is astounding. Will a woman/man have to see an “unconventional” person escape their grasp to wake up? When will we reward being “unconventional?” When will men sacrifice their masculinity for their progressive nature? There are some people who are doing this. I salute you.

The Conflict Ensues...Good Man